Now that I'm finally out of the frame...

Getting out of the frame has enlightened me. Weirdly and surprisingly, I've reached a whole new level now. It's like, if we were to take an example of a product cycle as a scale, I'd be on the last and final stage of the cycle. 

Initially, I used to be upset, fed up, and even a little bit betrayed indirectly. I felt bad at the same time and wondered how I could feel so angry. Then, after a few months, I started feeling neutral about it and decided to stop feeling angry, I stopped holding on to those negative feelings. I didn't feel good either though, I was just like on the saturation mode, to the extent that I just couldn't be bothered at all. Afterwards, I stepped on this new stage where I started to see things differently and positively and began to feel truly grateful for all the good and bad things that happened. It is really a different state of mind... much better. 

Finally, I got out of the frame and have now reached this level where I ask myself, "Do I want to go back to this?" And I find myself wanting only one thing, turning the page. Not burning the old one, just folding it and keeping it in a safe place. I might look back at if a few times but that's just it... 

I have this new book that I have to take care of and bringing back this old book, including you, I cannot and do not want to do that... I did it recently, mixing those two books and it was fun and nostalgic but so weird for me. I couldn't take that old book and stick some of its pages into the new book or vice versa... I badly wanted to do it, but couldn't... Man, how I wish it could work...People might think I'm being skeptical or pessimistic, but no, I guess this is just a new version of me... 

"In life, there are some ppl you're going to lose in order to find yourself."

Today, I am 21.

About five years ago, I've stopped labelling the different relationships that I have but the amount of esteem that I have for someone is never the same for someone else. I do not and never have the same admiration for two people. How I treat you and how my attitude is towards you, will define how much I value and appreciate you. Once I think very fondly of someone, I will care and care and love them with the deepest respect that I can have for them. But the thing is, some relationships are transient and others last for a season.. Some relationships will make you grow, while others will outgrow you. Some relationships will be so toxic that you will have to let go of them no matter how hard it is, and other relationships will bring so much light in your life that you will never want to get rid of those.  

Change is a part of of life, it is inevitable but this is one of the things that I will never be able to change about me, no matter how much I want it; I will always have a different amount of respect and trust for the people in my life and I am not and will never be like those people who have a lot of friends but no intimate and deep friendship with them. I value those a lot. I've realized quite some stuff through the different friendships that I've had since now, and I still have a lot more to learn. A part of me will always care for the people I once cherished, still do when I think about it... And I will always be truly grateful for the different friends that I met and the memories I gathered along the way. Thank you. 

Life is like a roller-coaster and I'm roller-coasting =}

2013 is going by so fast omgosh! It's already mid-Sept and as much as I was busy, it still surprises me how time goes by so fast. Too fast right? 
The first four months of 2013 were the months where I almost lost myself. I lost confidence and trust in myself for stupid reasons, but I tried my best to regain it and eventually did. I started redefining things in a more pessimistic view but ended up accepting the fact that not everyone will try their best to be a part of your life. Some friendships can be toxic; if those "friends" make you angry and frustrated more than they make you happy, why bother? Some relationships can be unhealthy and as soon as you realize it, stay away from it. That's the best thing you can do. 

Then, during the winter hols, I truly did some pondering and wondering about my little life. I realized that I was focusing too much on the negativity, and that's when it all started to align... I began to look at the positive side of the coin and saw that there are other people who will want to be in your life and would try their best to achieve this. There are people who love you, with your flaws and will accept you the way you are. Those relationships are healthy and bring positive vibes in your life and in my point of view, those people you should keep them close. Of course those type of relationships won't always be "perfect", there will be the good and the bad times, but eventually if you both know how to get past the bad moments, it will turn out just the way you want. And the toxic relationships, you must ignore them and you will see how different you will feel after that. 

Blossom!

If you can't change the situation,

You can change your attitude towards it. 

You have the choice of not letting it touch you.

Not even the tiniest part of you.

guys, you know who you are. don't let it destroy you. I didn't. xxo

I remembered that he is into his own gender.

Today, it was a normal university day. Except one thing. I remembered that he is into his own gender.

The five of us were hanging out casually in the cafeteria, like we usually do on uni days. My friend Abs started checking out the hot girls who were walking/sitting/chilling around us. Sharing his girl tastes etc. My other friend Freds began jumping in the fun as well, while my other friend, Bees, who's taken, didn't. And well the last guy, Dees, he was sitting extremely uncomfortably and not joining in the fun. Like at all. If you hadn't pay attention to him during this very moment, you wouldn't have noticed his unusual behavior.

About three months ago, I learnt that Dees is gay, via his best friend who told me out of genuine panic. The kind of panic where if you don't share the secret with someone else, it'd kill you alive. When I heard it, it suddenly hit me. In an instant series of flashbacks, I realized that he's never ever mentioned anything about girls, even though he has an extremely active social life. I never ever caught him looking at girls or some boobies. And I've known the guy for almost 10 months now.

His best friend told me that additionally to him not being out of the closet, Dees is in love with a guy, since almost a year now, whose circumstances doesn't allow them to date. Fortunately there's no friendzone here but they both know dating is not an option even though they are both in love with each other. Ahhh... when love is not enough... what a shitty thing that is.

We tried once to make him feel more comfortable, at least with us, within our little group of 6, since we are not judgemental I thought it would help, and alcohol was not that far from us... (lol), I started sharing deep confessions during the drinking game, so did Bees and Freds. But at the end of the night, we got almost nothing. Due to Freds being so damn drunk that he talked almost all night, ohh the bastard. I guess, being around guys who are very manly and macho, won't help his situation and encourage him to come out of the closet. 

I have no conclusion for this post tbh. My only wish right now is for Dees to feel comfortable in his skin and accepts who he is, he might probably feel lighter and happier. I adore him to the bits and I feel powerless for not being able to make him feel comfortable in his skin. He is such an amazing guy. So honest, kind and humble. Life is indeed unfair sometimes...

Dear Charlie,

In retrospect, those last two years were highly beneficial. Overall. For me. For my life. Everything. It’s what I needed the most during this specific period of my life. I was lonely at some moments. I chose it, I needed it and I don’t regret any of it. In some ways, it brought a lot of light and sunshine. Probably a little rain too. But y'know it was the good kind of rain. It brought me to h-e-r-e. and h-e-r-e is wonderful. I didn't realize how important it was to value only the friendships that matter until last year. I didn't realize that parents working hard solely for their children is a fact completely underrated. I didn't realize it was possible to fall for someone in such a blissfully manner. I didn't realize that in terms of friendships, closeness ≠ distance.

     Thank you for inspiring me Stephen Chbosky.  

  

11 things...

1. Most of the people who have the biggest hearts, are never the type of people you expect. 

2. The appearance rarely matches the personality. 

3. Easier said than done:- theory & practice don't always match the other one.

4. Learn to let go all the shitty ppl & negativity.

5. This year could be one of the most epic years of your life, the next year could be one of the worst, and the year after that, you could be loving life all over again.

6. Spontaneity is underrated.  

7. Life is truly beautiful, only if you learn to look beyond its daily shits. 

8. Falling in love with someone & finding out this person loves you back is a rare gift.

9. Every relationship has to be two-way, whether it being love or friendship. 

10. Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss" is a noob. Overthinking, reviewing things in your head, is not a freaking joy. Wondering is worse than knowing.      

11. Whenever you feel like shit and there's a lot of negativity weighing on you, just take a nap. 

Thank you 2012.

You were an amazing, challenging & definitely an unforgettable year.

Choose to be happy.

For the most part of my little life, I have been happy. I always have. It doesn't mean that my life is easy or that I don't know what struggling means. It doesn't mean that I always get everything I ever want or wish for. It simply means that I've learned how to be happy. I've learned to appreciate the little things and simplest pleasures of life. I've learned how to focus solely on the positive stuff. 

Do not surround yourself with people who are only going to bring the negativity in your life. Avoid focusing on the stuff that you don't have, focus on what you already have. Appreciate it. Understand that life isn't just about materials. The little things in life are enough to make you happy if you know how much they are worthwhile. I am 20 years old, and I can’t wait to learn more about life and everything.

Life. Love. Family. Close friends. Hearing the heavy raindrops falling while you're under the blankets, having a hot chocolate and reading your favorite novel. That one person you love the most hugging you tightly and hearing his heart beat faster, knowing that he loves you back. Looking at one or two of your closest friends at once, and sharing the quickest glance or eye-roll, and understanding the very little thought in their minds at this very moment. Knowing that you can tell this one person every little thing happening in your life, because you know that you can trust him almost fully. This trust being mutual and reciprocated makes it even better. Watching your favorite tv show and always getting into it so much because the acting is so damn freaking almost perfect. Having quality time with your parents, your extended family around a table, during family get togethers. Watching the sunset with people you feel comfortable with and enjoying this pure moment of bliss. Having deep conversations out of the blue with your closest friends. Late night conversations with people you love. Enjoying a good vodka on the top of a roof and talking about fate, destiny, love, life... Skinny dipping at midnight. Laughing till you want to pee or until your stomach hurts. Dares and challenges among your friends that turned out to be epic dares...

Find what it is that makes you happy and do it.  Find who it is that make you happy & keep them close to you as long as you can. Fight for the people you love. Learn to let go all the shitty people and crappy stuff. Let go all those who once mattered but in the end hurt you. Their purpose was to teach you a lesson, learn from it.

A new year is about to begin, and my resolution is the same as it has always been for the past five years: Choose to be happy. I have to admit that my people help a lot and can't thank them enough for making my little life so much better. 

Your past is useful to you.

I am not lucky, I am blessed.

There are certain moments in life that you never forget. I was nervous, I didn't know what I was doing but I would do it all over again.  
- Gloria, Modern Family, 2011.
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All my actions, mistakes, decisions led me to where I am right now.
And honestly, I am more thankful than ever. 
I'm not lucky to have the people I have in my life, I am rather truly blessed.